| FOR
SALE: |
| For
sale: One used Pod Racer. Excellent condition. Interior like
new. Some scrapes. Must sell. Too many painful memories. Contact
DV via the Force. |
| For
sale: One used landspeeder. Excellent condition. Interior like
new. Some bad effects work; undercarriage has been digitally
cleaned up. Must sell. Too many painful memories. Contact LS
via the Force. |
| Hair
Plugs for Wookies. Combat premature mange through the miracle
of science. "I'm not just the president, I'm also a client!"
-Chewbacca J. Wookie |
|
Wattoo's Swiss Army Lightsabres*.
Not as clumsy or random as a blaster. An elegant weapon for a
more civilized age. Includes knife, fork, spoon, flashlight,
corkscrew, sunglasses, universal screwdriver, garage door opener,
laser welder, magnifying glass, nail clippers, emery board, file,
can opener, cigarette lighter, change purse, gravity pen, compass,
gyroscope, set of skeleton keys, dental floss, toothbrush and
spare R2 unit restraining bolt. Come to think of it, it may be
as clumsy as a blaster.
*Manufacturers take no responsibility
for consumers who mistake lightsabre switch for flashlight's
ON button.
|
| Auction:
Moisture Farm for sale. Simple, hardworking lifestyle. Best offer.
Contact Skywalker Holdings Inc. |
| Roar
those blues away with Depak Chewbacca's Warm Fuzzy ® self-actualization
tapes. Act now and receive Depak's personal holo-letter and carbonite
comb. Change your hair and change your life. |
| Crazy
Jim Jawa's prices are nuts! Even squirrels can afford to buy
a droid! All makes, all sizes! Whatever you need we can get.
Our stock is constantly changing. Moisture-back guarantee. Come
on down to Crazy Jim Jawa's travelling showroom in beautiful
suburban Tatooine. Bring the kids. Free hot dog and CB radio
for any purchase over two quarts of water. There's no deals but
big deals when you deal with Crazy Jim Jawa. |
| Holo-Book
of the Month Club. Enjoy a new best-seller each month. This month:
Jabba Dearest by Bib Fortuna and Postcards From The Dark Side
by Lord Vader. |
| Contents
Auction: From former Jedi headquarters on Coruscant. Hundreds
of green, blue and violet lightsabres. The Jedi may be gone but
their tools remain. Buy up a piece of history before they disappear.
Also WW2 paraphernalia and Confederate flags. |
| Imperial
Haberdasher: Used Stormtrooper armour. Thousands of complete
suits, barely worn. Minor burn marks and laser holes. All sizes
available. |
| Darth
Mall Grand Opening. Everything half-off. |
| Wanted:
A father. Preferably heroic and mythic in stature. No evil despots
please. Contact: L. Skywalker. |
| Pearly's
Dental Floss with freshmint whitening formula. Fights plaque
and tartar build-up. Strong enough to hold two young adults weighing
no more than 310 lbs. for just long enough to swing across a
bottomless pit. Lando Calrissian approved. Available at trade
outposts across the galaxy. |
| Learn
Sabacc the Wookie Way. You don't have to lose an arm and a leg
with this inexpensive, safe method. Contact Chewbacca J. Wookie
Enterprises. |
|
| FOR
RENT: |
| Bespin:
Roomy bachelor apartment in basement of Cloud City. Glass floor
provides spectacular view of multi-hued, cloud-tank effect. $1250/month. |
| Dagobah:
One room dome. Hot plate and cot provided. Flood-resistant. Build
to last with Jedi-power. £1575/month. |
| Tatooine:
Renovated hermit's cave. Exceptionally clean. Completely furnished.
Heart-warming old-man smell. $1890/month. |
| Asteroid
Field (near Hoth system): Roomy giant space-slug, suitable for
family or home-business. Must be tasty morsels. References will
be checked. Week to week acceptable until digestion is complete.
$820/month. |
| Cargoship
and pilot: Ran Kessel Run in under12 parsecs. Fast enough for
you? Devil-may-care pilot with no-nonsense first mate. Light
snacks and movies provided for afternoon runs. |
| Naboo:
Roomy royal suite in idyllic downtown Theed. Steps from rolling
fields you can run barefoot through and leather-corset shop.
Perfect for young lovers without a care in the world. Furnishings
fit for a queen. Extensive closet space. Must move before Empire
retaliates. |
|
| PERSONALS: |
| 4-eyed,
6-limbed, multilingual Ractarian seeks tentacled Octonuvian for
suction-fun. |
| Hammerhead
bounty hunter seeks active female humanoid to nail. Let's "put
up some shelves", if you know what I mean... |
| Padme.
All is forgiven. Please come back. Anny |
| Highly
successful businessman and emperor seeks sweet, young thing for
vacation companion. I can make it worth your while. Come take
a walk on the Dark Side. No fatties. |
| L
- At that speed, do you think you'll be able to pull out in time?
- L |
| Handsome
stormtrooper cloned from Jango Fett batch #1265 seeks same. |
| Luke.
All is forgiven. The family business is all yours. Please come
back and we'll rule the universe together as father and son.
Anny |
| Attractive,
gold, 150-something translation droid seeks master or mistress
less prone to laser-fire. |
| Wise
but lonely puppet seeks new hope. Force must strong within you.
Judge me by my size do you? Size matters not. Motion of the ocean
the difference makes. Let a Jedi master your pushin' cushion
be. For a good time call me you will. Who da man? Yodaman! 123
Jedi Way, via the Force. Couples welcome. No Jawas. |
| She
may not look like much, but she's got it where it counts, kid.
In my pants. -Han |
| Learn
to play Endorian drums in 6 easy lessons. Apply PO Box 567, Great
Tree, Endor. |
| Grief
Counseling for Alderaan survivors. You are a peaceful people.
Let us help you find peace. |
|
| SIGHTINGS: |
You:
Being led away in chains.
Me: Stormtrooper with a limp. Let's meet for Blue milk. |
You:
A vision in white. A blur of drugs.
Me: Interrogation droid with big, needle. Our eyes met as I pricked
the skin. Blue milk? |
You:
Hirsute Top accompanied by Stormtroopers.
Me: Small, four-wheeled errand-droid. You roared, I ran. Must
see you again. Blue milk? |
You:
Evading a phalanx of stormtroopers.
Me: Maintenance worker. You dropped your laser-pistol and I picked
it up for you. Was it me or did we share "a moment"? |
You:
Still regal after 74 hours of questioning.
Me: Security personnel #348G. You shot me with my own laser.
I swooned. Blue milk? |
You:
Swinging across a shaft on dental floss.
Me: Stormtrooper firing lasers and blowing kisses. Blue milk? |
Me:
Hot in my armour. (Coolant was leaking.)
You: Knocked me out.... and took my armour. How about quiet conversation
over Blue milk? |
You:
Metal bikini, leash.
Me: Well-endowed slug. Blue milk? |
